I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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