I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
