dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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