I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
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