Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
3 2 1 whiskey
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
