i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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