I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
