Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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