youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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