I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Randomize
