I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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