Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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