SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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