even my farts smell like vagina
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
