If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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