Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Randomize
