I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
and you fell through a lawn chair
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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