You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
