Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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