"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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