I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
