I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Say something about gay babies.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
