Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
