I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
