Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
