I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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