Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
