You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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