my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
