Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
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She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
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We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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