my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
