dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
