I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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