tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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