just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.