That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
