I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
