Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
