dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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