just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
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I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
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I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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