My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
