I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
