that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Randomize
