I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
