If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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