I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
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