i may or may not be watching the land before time
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
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She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
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Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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