Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
