Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
