I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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