I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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