my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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