You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
