i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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