there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
