i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
A bitchslap is in order.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
