I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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